Allow me to illustrate [gun shows] for those of you who haven’t had the experience. Lemme first state the obvious: Guns shows aren’t about guns. No, guns are only the foundation of gun shows, and like on a house, the foundation is hardly worth talking about it as long as it’s there. And I don’t know how many people are actually aware of it, but gun shows are actually a social sciences experiment run by a super secret sect of the federal government that is also responsible for OzFest and the infamous Robot Chicken. This program’s primary purpose is to seek out every single negative racial and cultural stereotype and put them all together in the same gutted warehouse and/or dilapidated ballroom in order to monitor their interactions and watch them consume 181 different flavors of beef jerky and those $9 hot dogs that smell like farts and taste like sawdust. They also use it to monitor who is purchasing cannon fuse and tattered photocopies of The Anarchist Cookbook. I can’t confirm it but it is suspected that they also engage in datamining and sell their collated results to firearms manufacturers such as Taurus and Springfield Armory so they can continue to produce cutting edge products like The Judge in calibers that are best suited for a fifteen pound Mauser-action safari rifle and M1A SOCOM with enough rail space to attach every Surefire and Magpul product ever made… at the same time.
Some of the personalities you may run into include:
- Fatass old white guys with Harley shirts and stretch-waist jeans engaged in open carry (zip tie through the action)? Check.
- Skinny young black guys in baggy FUBU clothes and a big chain necklace checking out chromed Desert Eagles? Check.
- Ugly, pale, maybe-pregnant trailer trash girls in halter tops and short-shorts wandering aimlessly? Check.
- Asian tourist (sans camera) looking at the amazing array of tools of barbarity used in America? Check.
- Guys of all ages and races dressed as cowboys and looking at SASS (Single Action Shooting Society) cowboy guns? Check.
- Super rich fat bald guy in khaki shorts and polo (drives H2) that makes it clear to everybody he owns REAL MACHINE GUNS? Check.
- Militant lesbian couple with matching neck tattoos and 400 ear piercings picking out Glock 26s? Check.
- Scrawny white kid with goatee wearing “tactical clothes” and cheap nylon drop leg holster for no legitimate reason? Check.
- Nerdy middle-aged, middle-class white guy looking for a Mossberg 500 for home defense? Check.
- Goth kid sitting in the corner, staring at the floor? He doesn’t even really like guns but he’s here because his brother is. Check.
- Guys from the nearest military base (or police station) browsing up and down the aisles laughing at the gimmicky hardware? Check.
- Obese guys that used to be in the military sporting jackets with 500 patches and talking about all the tactical action they saw in the ’80s? Check.
- Ancient white guy (must be 70+) wandering the aisles with a muzzle-up’d beater rifle from the 1920s, FOR SALE sign on the barrel? Check.
- The white high school kid who learned everything he has to know about weapons from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 trying to explain how recoil works and what you can do to fight it. Check.
- The “south will rise again” guy, normally between 350-450 pounds, wearing a confederate hat and sweat-stained grey Walmart sweatpants. He talks about old Bobby Lee like an old friend he hasn’t seen in awhile and how he is looking forward to the next American civil war where he is going to single handily kick the crap out of every government agency himself. Check
- Security guards (obviously from somewhere other than the show), dressed in “full uniform”, going around picking up and trying out everything with the word “tactical” on the tag. Check
Some of the Vendors:
- Hi-point vendor who will tell you he’s sold thousands of them and has never heard a single complaint about them breaking or jamming.
- “Historical” vendors selling every type of item they could find with a swastika or a confederate flag on it.
- Grumpy old bastard. He has a table full of cheap shotguns and rifles in poor condition and yells at anyone who touches them. He firmly believes the rusting Mossberg 500 is worth every penny of the $350 he’s asking for it.
- Overworked knife guy. He has six tables loaded with closed cases, and is the only one working the booth. If you wish to buy from him, you’ll have a 30 min wait.
- Ammo purgatory. He has a huge display with every type of ammo anyone could want – set up with absolutely no order to any of it.
- The six dozen displays that have ZERO firearms but every bubba’d accessory known to man (and then some).
- The crazy/political/oathkeeper/threeper vendor. You can’t even get a price check from this guy without him starting on some political tirade or delving into some weirdo conspiracy theory. He’ll often make vague or ambiguous comments while giving you a knowing look or wink (while you’ve got no idea WTF he’s talking about).
- Beef jerky!!!
Source: Email forward
LOL so true so true.
The List of Offensive Shooting Range Stereotypes is another must read, if you like this one.
